As difficult as this may be for some of you to believe, there is quite a lot going through my mind at this moment in time. My initial plan when thinking about what to blog about was to discuss the issue of minorities and divisional issues (partially brought on by an episode of Glee, but also because of The Amazing Race); however, I just finished watching the movie, The Ultimate Gift, and was completely broken down by it. If you haven't seen it, you need to go out and watch it. (I know I say that about a lot of movies, but this one ripped me to pieces-I'm not even really sure why)
I really want to make a difference in this world and impact it positively. I don't have money, I don't have power, I don't have influence. I guess I have some esteem, I would venture to say that some people respect my opinion and value my input. But in the grand scheme, how much good can I actually do? And how good is it, if I have the desire to do it? Is it cheapened because I WANT to make a difference? I don't know. I guess something like making an impact is a journey-not a simple event.
Sometimes, I worry that everything that I do will count for nothing. That all of what I've done will blow up in my face and any good I was trying to do, will only result in a far worse situation. Perhaps, this is why I am so difficult to be around.
No matter how much I may want to, I cannot see the impact I am making now-good or bad. I may never see the results of seeds that I plant or lives that I affect (a fact which bothers me to no end), but I can't let that discourage me. It isn't about what I see happening, but rather that I take the time to be there for people. To live for Christ and to live as an example for Him. In a sense, I am reminded of a song from the movie Prince of Egypt, in which Jethro tells Moses that he must look at his life "through Heaven's eyes"; I may not be able to measure my efforts, but I have to remember that God is (hopefully) finding value and making use of the things I do.
I don't do enough.
I am thankful that I am healthy and have not had to spend a holiday in a hospital bed.