Life is not always easy. Life is not always fun. Life is not always what we thought it would be. But life is always crazy. This is both a blessing and a curse, I think. I love the fact that at any given moment, you have the opportunity to experience the unknown, to jump headlong into uncertainty. But in the same breath, I hate it. I like stability and certainty; I want to know how things are going to play out-I've never really been one for surprises or blessings from whom I cannot attribute (just ask my friend Courtney about that...).
It seems as though my life has been exceptionally crazy as of late. In the past week, I have said goodbye to two amazing people; I have given up everything I have known for the past three years; I have found confirmation on some things that were murky. However, there have been good points too: I have experienced an awesome outpouring of love from my families; I have felt God working in my life and holding me up; I have been given a great opportunity to invest in a young man who is passionate for God that all other aspects of his life would fall to the wayside.
I hate saying goodbye. Plain and simple. I am a fairly emotional person-I do not have a problem crying-so when I have to say goodbye, it is always an emotional experience for me. There are so many memories and feelings tied to that person; as I say goodbye all of those moments flood my mind and I think about the fact that we will no longer be able to make those kinds of memories. But honestly, I think we need those emotional releases in moments of loss; grieving is a part of life. To avoid it or ignore it, is to avoid being 'weak' or 'not in control'.
And I think that is the point. If we can't allow ourselves to be weak, how can we ever let God use us? If we constantly need to be in control, how will we be able to step aside and allow God to 'take the reins' of our lives? I think that's where the craziness shows itself; it's hard to imagine any trip in which you don't know the destination or the means of transportation as anything but crazy and uncontrolled.
The other day, someone told me they envied my life and wished it were theirs; as expected, I replied that they surely did not. However, as I sit here, I realize just how awesome and God-driven my life is; who wouldn't want a life in which God works so powerfully and wonderfully? Yet, God is working in ALL of our lives-just not always the way we want Him to work. I can assure you there are aspects of my life that I wish God would change or remove, but that's not how He works (or maybe it is, idk). I do know, however, that it is those frustrations that bring me closer to God-not because He gives me what I want, but rather because in those moments I see just how much God has my back. For the longest time, I struggled (as do a lot of Christians) with what Paul called his 'thorn in the life' and how God would not remove it. I understood the first level that God is able to work through our weakness and to glorify Himself through those aspects, but it was difficult to comprehend why God didn't take away the struggle once Paul identified its purpose. I think I understand better now that we have those things in our lives not just as a means of seeking after God for His support and for Him to demonstrate His power despite our weakness; they exist to prevent us from feeling comfortable and to know that God is with us.
If we are comfortable, we have missed the point. Sometimes, God calls us out of comfort and stability (take a look at Abram-Genesis 12 or Moses-Exodus 3-4) so He can bless us so much more than we can imagine. Don't get me wrong; it isn't easy or without its struggles, but it is definitely worth it-just knowing God is with me in those frustrations gives me more strength than I can adequately describe here.
As I sit here and write, I am thinking about people whose lives I envy. No matter who they are, I keep coming back to the fact that they do not have the relationship with God that I do and so while I may envy their earthly position (something that will ultimately result to nothing more than dust in the wind), I do not envy their spiritual life. I would not trade what I have found in God and what God has done in my life for every selfish desire in my life. (It reminds me of the story of Jesus in the wilderness and His temptation) In all reality, I don't need anything more than God-a few weeks ago, in Sunday School, Matt asked us if God were to ask us to give up that which we held most dear, would we be willing to give it up to Him? If the answer is no, I would argue your Christianity-harsh? Yes, but nonetheless valid. I would say rather than being a follower of God, you were a follower of that 'thing' and more devoted to it. I know God is going to ask me to give up that which I hold so dear and I will/am in the process-it sucks.
God has revealed so much to me lately and been so awesome-I feel like I have moved so much farther in my faith; I am not looking forward to the backslide haha.
Kairos, these are our defining moments-and how!
David A. Bell
"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous! Do not tremble or be dismayed, for the LORD your God is with you wherever you go." Joshua 1:9