tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-61269798727742353652024-03-08T12:07:05.829-05:00Kairos-moments in timeMusings from my mind.David Bellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17081144001334946513noreply@blogger.comBlogger62125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6126979872774235365.post-39642325846303406502012-11-15T23:32:00.002-05:002012-11-15T23:40:50.966-05:00In which our author returnsIt has been a long time since I've blogged. Almost a year. This is not surprising to me, nor should it be to you either. If you remember when I first began this endeavour, I warned you that it is very difficult for me to keep up with something like this consistently. However, I find myself in a place once again where I feel like sharing a piece of who I am and processing through some things. Really, you all should feel quite privileged-I am very private person and so the fact that I am open like this is unusual.
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Anyway, to the task at hand. A lot has happened in my life since my last post-I graduated with my Master's, left a job of four years that I loved. Experienced life with no home, no job, no car, and no means of provision. I found two jobs (that I love) and a place to live (which is just what I need), not to mention I have found the love of my life. God has blessed me beyond measure lately and, to be perfectly honest, I have no idea why. I have simply continued to live life as I always do-serving those I can, praying for those in need, and offering a listening ear or crying shoulder.<br />
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Most of you know the passion that I have for discipleship. It is something that permeates every facet of my being-it is consistently on my mind and I seek to assist others in whatever capacity that I can. However, the flip side of that is the debilitating feeling that goes along with an unrequited mentorship. I literally cannot fathom why an individual would reject such an opportunity-I guess I am just so hungry for it, that I can't understand why others aren't as ravenous as myself.
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That, however, is not the subject of this post. I want to talk about something that came up in church the other week-the issue of our call, as Christians, to be salt in the world. The basic premise with this charge is that we are supposed to spread the message of Jesus Christ and change the 'flavour' of the people with which we interact. The most interesting aspect of this lesson (to me, but it's my blog-so deal with it) was the issue of the amount of salt.
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Oftentimes, when we hear messages about being salt, the emphasis is on the mere fact that we are called to step out and 'salt the earth'. Yet, there is one important element to keep in mind: too much salt is not only a hindrance to taste, it can be downright repugnant. How many times do we see Christians who yell and scream from the pulpit, condemning everyone to hell and saying how terrible people are? Why do we do that/why do we promote that kind of thinking? We are Christians-do you know what that literally means? It is literally "little Christs"; there is something to carrying that title-we can no longer live for ourselves or our selfish desires. Instead, we must seek to live for and emulate Jesus Christ. So, I ask you: where does Jesus condemn the hurting and the hurt in Scripture? Please let me know when you find it.
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Instead, Jesus speaks out against the Pharisees-the staunchly faithful religious leaders of Jesus' day.
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Now before you jump down my throat, I acknowledge that there is a time in which you must decide what path your life will take and whether you are willing to become a disciple of Christ-but that's just it! We are called to be disciples, not people who say a prayer and guarantee 'fire insurance' aka a ticket out of hell. My problem with the kinds of evangelism that focus on saying a prayer and finding salvation is the fact that they are inherently deceptive-there is so much more to our lives as 'little Christs' than to just say and prayer and attend church weekly. God wants all of our person-God seeks that we would live like Jesus, that we would love people and share God's love with them.
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It is not our task to change people or their hearts (and let me tell how thankful I am for that!)-when we assume that job, we quench God's Spirit and devalue the Spirit's role.
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I know this post is kind of scattered and confusing and I apologize, but I couldn't really arrange it in a better way and it is difficult to effectively articulate my thoughts in such a fashion. I did want to get it out though and so if you want to discuss this with me, please do! I don't claim to be the authority on anything and so I am not so obtuse as to think I have everything figured out and that I have thought of every possibility. Basically, the purpose of this post was just an opportunity for me to get some things off of my chest and share some thoughts with you.
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Kairos-moments that challenge us to be more,
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David A. BellDavid Bellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17081144001334946513noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6126979872774235365.post-62655704290521031382012-01-02T14:34:00.004-05:002012-01-02T15:02:03.044-05:00For Old Times' SakeAnother year is beginning and with it comes resolutions. We all make resolutions, whether spoken aloud or kept secret. This year is no different for me; I have made resolutions myself-some I've shared candidly, some shared more reservedly, and some shared only with God. What follows is a list of the resolutions I am making public as a means of accountability and encouragement:<br /><br />1) Live a more healthy life-style.<br />2) Say yes more, but also say no more.<br />3) Pray more intentionally everyday<br />4) Have a job that I love<br />5) Get rid of extra stuff <br /><br />"Should old acquaintance be forgot? And never brought to mind? Should old acquaintance be forgot and auld lang syne?"<br /><br />Kairos-the moments gone and the moments to come,<br /><br />David A. BellDavid Bellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17081144001334946513noreply@blogger.com14tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6126979872774235365.post-14563666981952080412011-07-28T15:29:00.003-04:002011-07-28T15:53:12.645-04:00The power of a letterSo most of my posts are long and retrospective...or at least some semblance of that. This one, however, is just something simple.<br /><br />One thing I love is being able to encourage other people. It is so awesome to know that you can make a difference and help someone else. However, there are times when I feel so drained from having given so much and not having received anything in return. Don't get me wrong-I am not saying I do these things to receive accolades or to get something in return, but....it would be nice every so often to get some encouragement myself. I have written letters to the guys in my small group-a seemingly simple task and yet every time I finish one I feel so drained. Ha. Clearly I was not made to be a writer. Again, don't get me wrong-I love those guys and I love sharing what is going on in my life, but when I finish, I can't help but think, "Does this mean anything? Am I writing these things just for myself-do the guys even read them?" I hate to think that the letters serve no means of support for the guys.<br /><br />The other day I received a text from one of the guys to whom I write; he said how thankful he was for the letters and how much he appreciated the encouragement, especially the scripture verses included with the letters. It invigorated me and encouraged me in my ministry for these guys-remembering that God works through even the simplest of things.<br /><br />Kairos-defining moments, no matter how simple they may seem,<br /><br />David A. BellDavid Bellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17081144001334946513noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6126979872774235365.post-72430372612506894362011-05-23T12:29:00.008-04:002011-05-24T11:03:28.711-04:00Kiss today goodbyeSo another year at Gardner-Webb has come and gone. This one was particularly difficult for me; not only did I have to say goodbye to a number of good friends I had made in the three years I spent in the Div school, but I had to watch as some of my closest friends left for the 'real world'. <br /><br />This transition was made more difficult as it was revealed that there was tension among myself and those good friends. I won't go into detail about that issue, but I will just say that perhaps the hardest part of this event was not being able to enjoy the company of those guys one last time as a group.<br /><br />Anyway, here I sit, on Gardner-Webb's nearly empty campus, half-expecting everyone to come back next year and to simply pick up where we left off at the end of this semester. However, I know that isn't going to happen and that this next year will be anything but normal and routine. And that hurts a lot. So much more than I express in writing or otherwise. There are people who I just now found how awesome they are and how much time was lost in not getting to know them before and not enjoying their craziness-UNICORN!. There are others who intimidated me from our first encounter and struck me with how brilliant their thoughts, especially in the only class we had together-African American Literature (I was always impressed with their insight, especially as freshmen). One who immediately wrote me off and declared that I would not last more than a semester, only to become one of my best friends and a true means of support. There was a group that was formed based on an idea of support and prayer, both of which were found in that group-things I needed at that time and was unable to adequately provide for others.<br /><br />This semester was particularly trying for one of my friends and so our friendship was strengthened as this person sought support and camaraderie from me. This friendship has been extremely important for me as well; I had always sought to have a better friendship with this person, but it had never seemed to be in the cards. It was so awesome to have a guy friend who I could talk to about life (granted I had another strong friendship, but there is just something about having another guy as a means of accountability and encouragement). My sincere hope is that this friendship continues beyond the typical college friendships and that we will continue to assist one another as much as we can-which I believe will be the case...or at least hope.<br /><br />As I reflect on this, I can't help but think about those friendships that have lasted beyond graduation-they are few, but so powerful. Chris Farthing and Andy Tillery are some of the most awesome people I've ever know and I am so thankful for their friendship. Even though we don't see each other on a regular basis, those times when we do are so much greater because of the absence. It is a similar story with Emily Walker nee Dykstra; even though we didn't spend four years together at university, the two years we did were enough to secure a life-long friendship. I was recently privileged to see her again after five years-we picked up right where we left off and neither of us missed a beat. It was so amazing to be able to reconnect our friendship, even after so long.<br /><br />I guess I am using this particular post as a means of processing through saying goodbye to a lot of dear friends, but also finding hope in the fact that it needn't be goodbye-more like see ya later. Also, this serves as a means of thanking all of the people who are my friends and have impacted my life. Ultimately, life continues, regardless of our desire for time to stand still; so while it is important to cherish those moments, it is also important that we not seek to live in the past. God has given us each day and so we should take joy in those moments.<br /><br />Each of my friendships is special and unique, important to me. But I have been trying to keep my focus on God and not allow my happiness to alter based on the position in which I currently find myself. God is always constant and so in these moments, I know I can rely fully on Him and find peace there.<br /><br />As I finish this, I am reminded of Isaiah 43:2, which says, "When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overflow you. When you walk through the fire, you shall not be burned, nor shall the flame scorch you." Even though friends come and go and new relationships are formed, God will never leave us and we find our strength and stability in Him.<br /><br />Kairos-life-defining moments and friends,<br /><br />David A. BellDavid Bellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17081144001334946513noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6126979872774235365.post-68889428637371435722011-05-11T00:36:00.004-04:002011-05-11T01:09:04.567-04:00One of the Sides of the StoryOften for those of us who are not as prolific in terms of blogging, it is in the moments of great emotion that inspires a blog post; e.g., an exciting event in our life, a time of loss, a feeling of overwhelming sadness or confusion. If I'm honest, the reason I am writing this right now is because I find myself in the final category-I am extremely sad.<br /><br />One reason I am particularly sad is because of the fact that with the end of this semester, I will say goodbye to a group of people who I have come to know and love perhaps far greater than anyone else in my life (besides family). The class of 2011 comprises the freshmen class who came in when I was a senior-they are the last remaining connection that I have to Gardner-Webb undergraduate. Once they leave, I have no one to share stories and laugh with about the "old days". But more than that I genuinely don't want to even begin to think about life without these people-how can I wake up in the morning and go about life, knowing that I do not have their friendship to keep me going?<br /><br />Another reason I am sad is the fact that I feel like there are people who have written me off and I have ruined the friendship we once had and that the person will never seek to be close friends again. Moreover, I fear that I have been (easily) replaced and that the person no longer looks to me to be their friend. I am so devastated by this and I feel so depressed that the person has no desire to reestablish the relationship, but has just written me off as a lost cause. I think I need to apologize to the person, an issue which was discussed in Sunday School (quite appropriately, I guess) and one point was to do in person-i was thought about texting the person about it, but stopped in my tracks and remembered what we discussed. So life is kind of crazy like that, yeah?<br /><br />In addition, I am just tired and overwhelmed with the end of the semester. I am so tired I think I might explode on the next person who bothers me. This is not a good place to find yourself; however, I have no one to talk to about it because the friends I do have either don't care or don't know that something is literally eating away at me. Plus, I think some people know me and they know that I won't really talk about what's going on in my life and the few people who I can talk to about it, I have been unable to talk with them and I'm not sure as I will get an opportunity to converse with them. So yeah I am pretty frustrated right now (hence the blogging) and I am really tired of people and how I feel like I have to put on a happy face and pretend that everything is ok just because people don't want to see people sad.<br /><br />In a conversation with a good friend earlier today (technically yesterday at this hour), she asked how I could be happy-go-lucky one minute and so forlorn the next. I explained how I felt I had to play that role; she told me that transparency and vulnerability were valid at points as well-a point with which I agreed. However, as I told her the cafeteria is not really the place for that (nor was Facebook....) and the issue dropped, with a clarity that there was no hatred just thankfulness for good friendship. Well later, I was with a bunch of my friends and so I tried the whole transparent, vulnerable thing-it went over like a lead balloon. The people there just ignored the pain I was in, or perhaps I am getting better at disguising my emotions. So it drove me deeper into my sorrow and I realized that these people could not handle what I was going through because they were also going through stuff themselves. It was a matter of group therapy for them and I just couldn't fall in line with that and so I found no healing. However, I am thankful that they seemed to find at least some comfort from the interactions tonight and that there may have been some growth in their own personal issues. <br /><br />What do I seek to accomplish with this blog? Well, 1) find some resolution by getting it out-check. 2) process what is going on in my life-check. 3) get sympathy from people (haha)- 4. move on and be proactive in my relationship with the person in the third paragraph- 5. give it all over to God and let Him work in/through it-1/2 check. I am so thankful for all that I have, honestly, I just really need someone to listen to me without judgement and be a friend. C'est la vie-at least there will always be God.<br /><br /><br />Kairos-the moments that define and frustrate us,<br /><br />Kwaherini,<br />David A. BellDavid Bellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17081144001334946513noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6126979872774235365.post-60868806898947959752011-04-13T08:17:00.012-04:002011-04-13T09:38:02.296-04:00A little more insight into the author's obssessionI am known around here at Gardner-Webb. What I am known for (or as) varies from group to group: GRD Bell; David Bell; DaBell; Debi; Dave; that guy who sits in the caf for hours on end. Most of the people who know me now have little to no concept of who I was during my time in the undergrad, something for which I am thankful.<br /><br />Now, it's not that I was some sort of crazy party-animal or rebel while studying to get my BA; in fact, I was basically just as boring then as I am now. However, I was not nearly as strong in my faith as I am now. I found a lot of my foundation shaken with the knowledge I was given in my religion courses-the obvious incongruities between text and our modern understanding; possible additions made by multiple authors to prove or maintain beliefs; etc. In addition, I didn't have a strong group of Christians to whom I could turn with all the questions I had. They simply festered in my mind and doubt became a constant friend.<br /><br />For a while, I abandoned things like 'The Verge', upset at the hypocrisy that I saw throughout. I stopped going to church, no one in those churches cared about me anyway and the churches that did care about me disbanded. The Christian community on campus failed me-no one offered support or guidance because I was not high-profile. People knew I was a Christian and so figured I didn't need to hear the gospel (granted I didn't), but I desperately sought someone to help me traverse through the struggles of a daily Christian walk. I needed a mentor.<br /><br />As a freshman, I sought a mentor in a good friend who was a senior-he was extremely intelligent, well-grounded in his faith, and didn't mind an idiot freshman hanging around with him. He certainly helped in the transition process from high school to college life and challenged me in my faith, but also encouraged me. However, since he was a senior, he graduated after that year and our friendship changed and I lost that support.<br /><br />My sophomore and junior years I sought to find another person who could guide me and be a means of support. However, all of the people I turned to were my age or younger and had more inconsistencies than I myself had. Don't get me wrong I love these people and wouldn't trade their friendship, but they couldn't mentor me like I needed.<br /><br />I did find quite a lot of guidance from professors, but there again that was in a classroom setting and not really the mentoring that I was seeking.<br /><br />Senior year brought an awakening in my life. I saw freshmen who were unashamed of their faith and lived it out proudly and in your face. They challenged me in my faith more than any other person in my life-how could I continue in my apathy when faced with such a great cloud of witnesses? I needed to get my act together.<br /><br />However, I certainly couldn't seek guidance from these people who were younger than myself-so rather than study under them, I studied alongside of them. There were many who were far more firm in their faith than I was, but I knew my stuff-12 years of Christian education had drilled the Bible into my head. Their passion and devotion had reinvigorated my walk; they showed me who God really is and helped remove the cynical picture that I had developed over the past two years.<br /><br />I am not ignorant of the fact that I have a presence and that people value what I have to say; I have always been able to garner credence. I am also keenly aware of the fact that I must be a good steward of this gift that God has given to me; I cannot squander opportunities that I have to minister to those in need.<br /><br />Ultimately, I seek to be for someone that which I so desperately sought: a mentor and friend.<br /><br />Kairos-guiding moments in life,<br /><br />David A. BellDavid Bellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17081144001334946513noreply@blogger.com11tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6126979872774235365.post-41478048561129339802011-03-29T19:21:00.003-04:002011-03-29T19:26:11.900-04:00In which our author is frustrated and angry and uses some choice wordsNote: This is an old post I found in my drafts; there is a lot of hurt in this post and I can't adequately speak to that pain now. However, the way I see it, there is a reason I wrote it all that time ago and I ought to go ahead and post it. So without further ado, here is a lost piece of my blogging life:<br /><br />Have you ever had a friend who suffers from 'kettle-syndrome'? Let me explain 'kettle-syndrome': I assume you are familiar with the phrase, "the pot calling the kettle black", while someone with the kettle-syndrome is someone who takes great pleasure or maybe even goes out of their way to call someone else out on an issue that is clearly evident in their own life and they seem to have no desire to fix the problem in their own life.<br /><br />Or how about the person who joins the 'conversation' a little late and assumes that they are the only ones who are on the ball? You have been saying similar kinds of things for months, but suddenly it registers with them and the idea is so novel, they can't believe no one thought of it before...<br /><br />But obviously, you don't know what you're doing, nor do you have the right motives. This person knows all and can see how inferior you really are. Man, you just suck at life, don't you? You might as well just give up, your friend clearly has better motives and abilities and can handle the situation better anyway; you would just be getting in the way.<br /><br />It would really stink if this were your life, yeah? Well, I am so glad that it isn't mine, but it has been before. And let me just say that there is little hope for these kinds of friends-honestly, they are so self-obsessed that they rarely acknowledge your presence anyway, only when it is beneficial for their ends/goals. So if you discreetly remove yourself from the situation, they eventually forget who you are and move onto their next source of esteem-looking for someone who they can walk all over and use.<br /><br />There's a lot of hurt in this post and so for that reason it may not be 100% accurate and part of it could be skewed by emotional hurt. But I am trying to deal with that pain through this post-so deal with it. If this post speaks to you-there is probably a reason. If it doesn't-good for you (this is not said sarcastically, I genuinely mean it).<br /><br />David<br /><br />p.s. I bet a bunch of you were expecting me to cuss because of the title; you probably got really excited too "ooh, David's gonna cuss, I gotta see that!" Shame on you. <br /><br />"After He called the crowd to Him again, He began saying to them, 'Listen to Me, all of you and understand: there is nothing outside the man which can defile him if it goes into him; but the things which proceed out of the man are what defile the man." Mark 7:14-15<br /><br />"With it [the tongue] we bless our Lord and Father, and with it we curse men, who have been made in the likeness of God;" James 3:9David Bellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17081144001334946513noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6126979872774235365.post-81737388359072133222011-03-24T22:09:00.006-04:002011-03-24T23:57:36.417-04:00Prolific FriendsSo some of my friends blog. Most of those friends are more proficient at the art than I am. Two in particular leave me in awe at their prolific prowess and the beauty of their blogs.<br /><br />The first is a friend I have known for a relatively short time (although I find most things at this point in my life are relative), only about two-ish years. Her name is Katie and she is an amazing writer. I have only recently started to read her blogs and I am upset that I have missed out on her writing for so long. I always enjoy what she blogs about, she seems to bring the words to life with her humor and craftsmanship with language-it is unreal. But don't just take my word for it, read some of her stuff (I'm not sure how she feels about my encouraging you to read her blog, but I'm sure she'll leave a comment about it): http://katieax.blogspot.com I'm telling you, you won't be disappointed.<br /><br />The second is a friend I have known longer, although I have not seen (or even really conversed with) her in seven years. Her name is Deborah and her blog inspires me to be and do more. Her blogs may not always be humorous, but there is always so much strength and humanity flowing through her words. She, like Katie, is a master of the written word and can keep you enthralled and engaged in the conversation. Sometimes, I find myself envious of the vivid imagery contained within the blog; who am I kidding? More often than not, I find myself envying her vibrant voice. Her blog is http://wheresmydreamlife.blogspot.com<br /><br />I guess I am writing this post because I feel so honored to be able to read their work, that I want to be able to share it with those who read my blog. They write too well. Also, I just wanted to take some time to thank them for allowing me to share in their journeys through their blogs-you guys challenge, encourage and inspire me, thank you.David Bellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17081144001334946513noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6126979872774235365.post-6817491036555094002011-03-22T23:14:00.006-04:002011-03-26T11:15:30.499-04:00Changing livesI love discipleship. I couldn't imagine my life without the opportunity to mentor and invest in the lives of younger guys. Unfortunately, mentoring is not a smooth journey; there are ups and downs (seemingly more downs than ups) and it is chock full of frustration. However, I wouldn't change my experiences for anything.<br /><br />I recently received one of the greatest compliments of my life: I was sitting at a baseball game with my girlfriend and one of the members of my small group, who also happens to be on the baseball team. Anyway, we were sitting there enjoying the Runnin' Bulldogs securing another victory and talking about various aspects of life, etc. Well, Adam would be leaving that day to prepare for surgery in Charlotte, so his mom was coming to help with all of that stuff; so when she got to the game, Adam brought her over to sit with us. We introduced ourselves and had some small pleasantries, etc. <br /><br />After a little bit, Adam turned to me and asked, "David, don't you have class tonight?" I hesitated for a moment, then turned to him and said, "Yeah, I am skipping it to be here at the game." He said, "Oh ok." His mom laughed. Then she leaned forward and said, "Wait, you're Adam's mentor." I froze, I didn't know how to respond. I really want to be seen as a mentor to these guys, but recognize that for the most part, I am just one more voice in a sea of well-meaning peers. So to hear that I have been acknowledged as a mentor literally made my heart jump a little (ok so maybe a lot). I stuttered and said, "Yea-yeah if that's how he's referred to me." And then quickly added, "But I can assure you, I am usually much more responsible than to skip class."<br /><br />I am huge proponent of different callings in life and the fact that we as the body of Christ are not called to the same groups or to make use of the same gifts. For this reason, I recognize that not everyone has the same passion to disciple young people like I do; however, I do think that it is important to share your experiences with those who are coming behind you. In fact, there are probably a number who are reading this post and thinking 'so a kid thinks of you as a mentor, big deal-who cares?' and that's a fair point, it is not an earth-shattering revelation.<br /><br />I am just so thankful that God is allowing me to disciple people at all and to be as a good a witness for Him as I can. This was drilled into me (yet again) at last night's baseball game. The umpires were making some questionable calls (but when don't they?) and I was getting really frustrated-you see, I hate when I lose and so through the transitive process, I hate when teams I support lose; it's like I am losing. So I started to get angry and when I get angry I get really quiet and sort of shut down (a trait which I am really thankful for, it tends to keep me out of more trouble). Well, at one point, the entire crowd was yelling at the umpire and telling him how bad of a job he was doing; as I sat there, I realized how stupid I looked by allowing something so trivial as a baseball game to compromise my witness. So rather than join in the frustration, I started singing some hymns (hey don't judge, I love traditional hymns) and oddly enough I found so much peace in the lyrics of 'Be Thou My Vision' and 'I Love You, Lord'-it was so awesome. And even though we lost that game, I didn't get upset or angry. Totally a God-thing, cause on my own I would have probably yelled a lot at that umpire. But what kind of example would I set, if I reacted so rashly?<br /><br />I apologize for the same theme that seems to pervade all of my writing, I just can't help where my heart is. All I know is that while I seek to impact the lives of these young people, more often than not they impact me so much more. One of the guys said something more profound than I think he even realized; it was almost an off hand comment and yet there was so much depth there. He said (in a paraphrase of sorts), 'even if there is no reciprocation, you still need to treat them the same way you always do.' Now I knew this, but to hear it so adamantly spoken really shook me to my core. There was no question in his mind that that was how he needed to treat people, regardless of they treated him. He continues to amaze me with his passion for God and his desire to live for Him. Sometimes, I think he understands it better than I do.<br /><br />Kairos-moments that define and change us,<br /><br />David A. BellDavid Bellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17081144001334946513noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6126979872774235365.post-14339408608608449392011-03-02T10:52:00.009-05:002011-03-07T10:36:54.013-05:00Craziness aboundsLife is not always easy. Life is not always fun. Life is not always what we thought it would be. But life is always crazy. This is both a blessing and a curse, I think. I love the fact that at any given moment, you have the opportunity to experience the unknown, to jump headlong into uncertainty. But in the same breath, I hate it. I like stability and certainty; I want to know how things are going to play out-I've never really been one for surprises or blessings from whom I cannot attribute (just ask my friend Courtney about that...).<br /><br />It seems as though my life has been exceptionally crazy as of late. In the past week, I have said goodbye to two amazing people; I have given up everything I have known for the past three years; I have found confirmation on some things that were murky. However, there have been good points too: I have experienced an awesome outpouring of love from my families; I have felt God working in my life and holding me up; I have been given a great opportunity to invest in a young man who is passionate for God that all other aspects of his life would fall to the wayside.<br /><br />I hate saying goodbye. Plain and simple. I am a fairly emotional person-I do not have a problem crying-so when I have to say goodbye, it is always an emotional experience for me. There are so many memories and feelings tied to that person; as I say goodbye all of those moments flood my mind and I think about the fact that we will no longer be able to make those kinds of memories. But honestly, I think we need those emotional releases in moments of loss; grieving is a part of life. To avoid it or ignore it, is to avoid being 'weak' or 'not in control'.<br /><br />And I think that is the point. If we can't allow ourselves to be weak, how can we ever let God use us? If we constantly need to be in control, how will we be able to step aside and allow God to 'take the reins' of our lives? I think that's where the craziness shows itself; it's hard to imagine any trip in which you don't know the destination or the means of transportation as anything but crazy and uncontrolled.<br /><br />The other day, someone told me they envied my life and wished it were theirs; as expected, I replied that they surely did not. However, as I sit here, I realize just how awesome and God-driven my life is; who wouldn't want a life in which God works so powerfully and wonderfully? Yet, God is working in ALL of our lives-just not always the way we want Him to work. I can assure you there are aspects of my life that I wish God would change or remove, but that's not how He works (or maybe it is, idk). I do know, however, that it is those frustrations that bring me closer to God-not because He gives me what I want, but rather because in those moments I see just how much God has my back. For the longest time, I struggled (as do a lot of Christians) with what Paul called his 'thorn in the life' and how God would not remove it. I understood the first level that God is able to work through our weakness and to glorify Himself through those aspects, but it was difficult to comprehend why God didn't take away the struggle once Paul identified its purpose. I think I understand better now that we have those things in our lives not just as a means of seeking after God for His support and for Him to demonstrate His power despite our weakness; they exist to prevent us from feeling comfortable and to know that God is with us. <br /><br />If we are comfortable, we have missed the point. Sometimes, God calls us out of comfort and stability (take a look at Abram-Genesis 12 or Moses-Exodus 3-4) so He can bless us so much more than we can imagine. Don't get me wrong; it isn't easy or without its struggles, but it is definitely worth it-just knowing God is with me in those frustrations gives me more strength than I can adequately describe here.<br /><br />As I sit here and write, I am thinking about people whose lives I envy. No matter who they are, I keep coming back to the fact that they do not have the relationship with God that I do and so while I may envy their earthly position (something that will ultimately result to nothing more than dust in the wind), I do not envy their spiritual life. I would not trade what I have found in God and what God has done in my life for every selfish desire in my life. (It reminds me of the story of Jesus in the wilderness and His temptation) In all reality, I don't need anything more than God-a few weeks ago, in Sunday School, Matt asked us if God were to ask us to give up that which we held most dear, would we be willing to give it up to Him? If the answer is no, I would argue your Christianity-harsh? Yes, but nonetheless valid. I would say rather than being a follower of God, you were a follower of that 'thing' and more devoted to it. I know God is going to ask me to give up that which I hold so dear and I will/am in the process-it sucks.<br /><br />God has revealed so much to me lately and been so awesome-I feel like I have moved so much farther in my faith; I am not looking forward to the backslide haha.<br /><br />Kairos, these are our defining moments-and how!<br /><br />David A. Bell<br /><br />"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous! Do not tremble or be dismayed, for the LORD your God is with you wherever you go." Joshua 1:9David Bellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17081144001334946513noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6126979872774235365.post-8953935048165890822010-10-23T23:52:00.002-04:002010-10-24T00:15:40.328-04:00The plot thickens...It seems that new posts often come when a) I am really sad or forlorn; b) I am really tired and should be sleeping; c) excited about new prospects; d) desirous of sharing new insights; or e) any combination of the above or below. Okay!<br /><br />Suffice to say, this post falls under the a and b categories. So let's get this over with so I can attempt to sleep tonight.<br /><br />As most of you know, I have a desire (probably not the best word, but most readily available to my mental capacity at this present moment) to help young people-spiritually, emotionally in their day-to-day, basically in anyway that I can. Well, this year is no different (the cast may change but the plot twists are reused periodically) and I have once again found myself in a position to help.<br /><br />Plot twist #1-when it comes down to to it, I am not nearly as much fun as I first appear. Allow me to explain: I feel that I am a pretty fun individual and I know how to laugh and have a good time. However, there comes a time in which it is necessary to put aside the need for fun and recognize the need for honor, integrity, and order. Part of this has come from current position, but it has also come from natural maturation that occurs (or at least should occur) as we progress through life and collect various experiences to add to our repertoire. Anyway, people who once found me to be pretty cool will eventually decide I am too much of a morally-minded individual and turn to other sources for a more balanced guidance. Maybe this is a lesson I need to learn-prior to this particular moment I have always placed the blame on the other person. Perhaps I need to think about this more before I come to a conclusion, but certainly something to ponder.<br /><br />Plot twist #2-people will always let you down. I had a lot more to say but decided to just let it speak for itself.<br /><br />I may continue this later, but right now I need to get some sleep.<br /><br />These are our defining moments-what do they mean to you?<br /><br />David A. BellDavid Bellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17081144001334946513noreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6126979872774235365.post-64041791244109593952010-10-12T01:18:00.002-04:002010-10-12T01:42:40.290-04:00I Just Can't Get You Off My MindThere are so many thoughts going through my head, right now. Most of which I can't begin to fathom.<br /><br />God has revealed a great deal to me and revealed even more how little I know, despite my priding myself on my discernment. I couldn't allow these events to transpire without acknowledging them and addressing them here.<br /><br />God has been using me a whole lot lately-don't ask me, I don't understand it myself. I have been in situations in which an off the cuff remark has been turned into full fledged conversation and drawn people from places about which I had no idea.<br /><br />Earlier in the week, Pastor Rob was speaking about Moses and his fear of speaking publicly and saying how he wasn't eloquent and that God should send someone else in his place. Well, God says that he will send Moses' brother Aaron to speak for him; however, if you look through Exodus you will see that at no point does Aaron speak for Moses-Moses is the one who does all the speaking. Well, I was thinking about this and I was like 'surely God knew that Moses was going to be the one who would be speaking, so why offer Aaron?' The more I thought about it, the more I thought that God saw through Moses' front of being afraid to speak and saw that Moses was afraid to be alone and so God sent his brother to be there with him and provide comfort. I hadn't thought about it that way before and I was so thankful for God offering that insight to me-because how many times I have tried to cover the real issues with facades and false fronts. Here lately I have tried to break that down and to be as upfront as I can with people, no matter how blunt I may be.<br /><br />Well the events of tonight are similar, but also so different; however, I am still working through them, so I won't go into detail yet. I might later, but it is really late right now and I am tired.<br /><br />These are our defining moments (more than I realize),<br /><br />David A. BellDavid Bellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17081144001334946513noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6126979872774235365.post-50679367859436367072010-07-31T02:01:00.003-04:002010-07-31T02:52:09.794-04:00All that work and what did it get me?I am a swirling mass of emotions right now-nothing new, right? I am hurt, overjoyed, nervous, tired, sad, scared. I realize that now everything changes. Life kicks into gear-the good times are coming to an end. And yet there will always be that element which does not falter-the piece that has no connection.<br /><br />It is through that element that I find myself at a loss tonight. On one hand, I am so thankful for the ways in which God has been working in my life. On the other hand, I don't know what to do for the bulk of it. Sometimes, all I can do is listen and offer prayer-I am genuinely pathetic. What am I doing? What am I not doing?-perhaps that is a better question.<br /><br />Don't let the title fool you-this may have begun as a pity blog, but it is not that now. Through this process of writing and reflection, I have come to a place where I realize the idiocy of it all. If I am doing this for me, of course I will base the results on how it affects me. It begs the question, 'Why did I do it?' I think I am still trying to figure that out exactly, but I am certainly tired of living for myself. I am also tired of living for those who only serve to bleed me dry for their own purpose. Don't confuse this with those who need to be poured into-completely different spectra. Anyway, this is probably sounding like a broken record to most of you-the same old story told with a different pitch. Maybe you're right; but I think each time this comes around I have a new perspective and a deeper knowledge and understanding. There again, maybe not. Perhaps I am doomed to deal with similar problems all of my life-much like an endless waltz, the three beats of turmoil (war), peace, and change (revolution) going on into eternity.<br /><br />And as I sit here philosophizing, I am reminded of a friend's blog in which he addressed the problem of our society and the fact that we spend too much time talking and reflecting (this is not an attack, merely a means of dialogue) and how it deadens our passion. We spend all of our time talking about doing good, and not actually doing the good we discuss.<br /><br />I agree that we are not doing enough, but I am not sure the best means of correcting the situation. I can honestly say, I have a desire to help and give of myself. However, I have come to realize that my 'helping' can cause just as much harm as it can benefit.<br /><br />So what should I do? Sit around and wait until all the elements are perfect and guaranteed success? μὴ γένοιτο!-loosely translated, 'No way!' If I wait around for that, I will never see it-I would be like the servant in Luke 19 who is given a mina but rather than do anything with it, he simply hides it in a handkerchief. God has a lot for me to do and I need to be willing to step up and do that work. But I am not going to stop thinking-it is just such a big part of my nature, I rarely act without thinking.<br /><br />All I can do is be faithful in the work God has for me and realize that I have a role to play, but I do not have top billing.<br /><br />Kairos-these are our defining moments,<br /><br />David A. BellDavid Bellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17081144001334946513noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6126979872774235365.post-73675968539216245642010-07-22T02:34:00.002-04:002010-07-22T02:45:35.492-04:00Metaphysic puzzleSo I'm preaching again this weekend. A scary thought, I know.<br /><br />I can't believe the summer is almost over-soon people will be returning from their various excursions and taking up their old haunt at G-dubb. I am sad to see this summer go-there have been so many amazing moments. Go has been revealing a lot to me and just allowing me to see some awesomeness. But as with all things, this too must come to an end.<br /><br />But with this chapter closing, another must begin. What does this season hold for my life? I wish I knew. Do I really though? Would I feel better if I had a sneak peek at the events that would soon unfold in my life? Probably not. So I guess I can thank God that I am not aware of my future and that I am given the gift of living each day as its own. There is too much amazingness in this world to let it pass by while focusing too heavily on the future.<br /><br />I may not be exactly where I want to be (both physically and metaphysically), but I am where I need to be, at least for the moment.<br /><br />Kairos-these are our defining moments,<br /><br />David A. Bell<br /><br />Thinking of you<br />Wherever you areDavid Bellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17081144001334946513noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6126979872774235365.post-82002501739201255432010-07-20T22:18:00.002-04:002010-07-20T22:48:05.052-04:00PrepareYes, it's been a while. Some might say too long, I would argue that point. Regardless, here I am again.<br /><br />I recently returned from a week at camp with my youth boys (and a few youth girls, too). It was beyond amazing-honestly, I cannot tell you how awesome it was to see God working in each of our lives.<br /><br />It was while there that I was introduced to one of my new favorite bands-Reverchon. You should look them up and listen to their music, it is superb. One song in particular which I think struck a chord with all of us in attendance was called "Overtake Me"-it is based on the Romans 7 passage in which Paul discusses the fact that the thing he wants to do, he can't and the thing he doesn't want to do, that he keeps doing. I think one of the main reasons that it resonated with so many of us is because we can all relate to that issue. I know that I certainly can. "I've grown cold, my heart seems lost to the Great I AM, to the hallowed one." No matter how much I may want to do good, I cannot-any good I may have intended only turns to evil and further harms those around me.<br /><br />Thank the LORD it is not about me. I may never hear of my impact on a person's life, nor be approached for 'saving' their life; I may never experience the amazing growth and maturation of a mentee. But God's got it. Isn't that the most comforting thing you've ever heard? To know that it is not about us! Maybe not to everyone-some may even take issue with my theology here, but I don't care. I can sit and bicker about God's role in our lives, or I can demonstrate His love and compassion. I'm not sure this is coherent or linear, but these are my thoughts right now and I feel like getting them down. So deal with it, :-b<br /><br />I don't know why I expect to be praised; Jesus never told us that we would be held up and admired as heroes. In fact, as one of my best friends and one of my most favorite people in the world recently told me-'Look at Jesus, all of his closest friends deserted Him and left Him to die. Can you really expect to do better?' Honestly, no I can't.<br /><br />Kairos-these are our defining moments; let's make them count,<br /><br />David A. Bell<br /><br />I have decided to follow Jesus<br />I have decided to follow Jesus<br />I have decided to follow Jesus<br />No turning back<br />No turning back<br />No turning backDavid Bellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17081144001334946513noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6126979872774235365.post-37633881698867252702010-04-14T00:57:00.003-04:002010-04-14T01:29:42.422-04:00In which the author describes a little bit about his friendshipsSo I had a conversation with a friend recently concerning relationships and how they play out at Gardner-Webb. Honestly, I didn't do much talking (but I feel that those are the times in which I am most effectively used) and that the person needed someone off of which to bounce some ideas. I was more than willing to be that sounding board for him.<br /><br />Eventually the conversation turned at a couple of points and I found myself discussing some of my issues with the role of 'best friend' in my life. This may require a little of background, so get ready cause we're diving into David's past for a bit. Make sure you have a good supply of oxygen-there's no coming up for air where we're going.<br /><br />So when I was younger I attended a Lutheran Elementary/Middle school (basically kindergarten through 8th grade). Well, ever since I could remember my time there I had been best friends with Timmy Snell. David Bell and Timmy Snell-our last names rhymed, so clearly we were destined to be best friends forever. Well for our elementary experience, we were best friends-we had sleepovers, went on adventures and hung out a whole lot. It was pretty awesome to have someone you knew you could rely on (although, I question what exactly i would need someone to rely on when I was so young...). Anyway, once we hit 5th grade, popularity and image became a lot more important. Well, I never got that memo and so I was REALLY, really lame and uncool. Now, I don't this was the only factor, but I feel it was a pretty big chunk of the falling out between Timmy and I. He basically tossed me to the curb and I was left to fend for myself. Luckily, there were some other classmates who I connected with and it wasn't the end of my world, but I never found another best friend character throughout middle school.<br /><br />Well, high school comes along and to make a long and boring story short-I had no best friend in high school either. There were a couple of people that I grew close to, but no one who I felt was someone I could rely on and turn to in times of trouble. Similar story for my first year at G-Dubb.<br /><br />However, my sophomore year comes along and I find friends, who I might classify as the closest thing to best friends that I have. Now they weren't perfect and they don't fulfill the complete image I have in my mind of a best friend, but they are definitely people I can rely on and with whom I have shared a WHOLE lot of memories. I think they know who they are-TI4.<br /><br />We skip ahead a bit to a conversation I was having with someone who I classify as my smartest friend and discussing the issue of a best friend. I pointed to David and Jonathan's relationship (a popular reference for people to use in regards to male friendships) and complained that I wanted a friend who I could trust like David and Jonathan trusted each other (I needed a Jonathan!). Well, my brilliant friend pointed to the fact that David didn't start with the relationship with Jonathan; no, he spent years alone in the fields with the sheep, with just God and the sheep as his company. Before I even try to find someone to be my 'best friend' I need to make sure that God is my real 'best friend' and that my relationship with Him is solidified before I go looking to someone else.<br /><br />You may not agree with this assessment, you may even think it sounds childish and ridiculous. And that's fine-that's your opinion. However, I have found great comfort in this, but also a great challenge-what is my motivation for the things I do? Is it to further my relationship with God? Or is seeking for meaning from inadequate sources?<br /><br />David<br /><br />"David was the youngest. Now the three oldest followed Saul, but David went back and forth from Saul to tend his father's flock at Bethlehem." I Samuel 17:14-15David Bellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17081144001334946513noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6126979872774235365.post-22954668427832498372010-04-08T11:03:00.002-04:002010-04-08T11:16:48.121-04:00BlessedYesterday I was reminded of how blessed I truly am, and yet I still complain about minute details. This is not to say they are insignificant, for in all reality they are very important to me, but that's not much I can do to influence the results-so they become minute.<br /><br />Job is an amazing individual. Plain and simple; even if you are not religious, you have to admit that Job provides a great example for enduring trials. If you haven't read Job, you should pick it up. But and I think I've given this advice before, you have to be in a "good place"; if you are torn up this book will rip you further. There again maybe that's what it takes-maybe you need to be destroyed so you can be rebuilt into something new.<br /><br />One of my friends pointed me to the 13th chapter, verse 15 in which Job says that even if God were to kill him, still Job would have faith and hope in Him. I am still in awe of the power of that statement. I have difficulty trusting people in general, but even more so when they give me a reason not to trust them. So the idea of trusting someone even if they 'cause' bad things to happen to you astounds me. I can't do it.<br /><br />Now, I am a very forgiving person. I always tell people, there will never be a time where I don't love you-I will always love you; I may not like you, but I will always love you. But that's about the only thing they get; from that moment on I will regard them with hesitation-whether they realize it or not.<br /><br />Job had it all and lost it all. Yet, he remained secure in his faith. That, my friends, is strength.<br /><br />David<br /><br />"Though He slay me, I will hope in Him." Job 13:15David Bellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17081144001334946513noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6126979872774235365.post-79888958487223837362010-04-06T13:50:00.002-04:002010-04-06T14:12:25.974-04:00ImmortalityJealousy and 'fitting in'. These may be the biggest struggles in my life. I am a thoroughly jealous person and do not really do well with the whole popular thing.<br /><br />So, for the past few weeks, I have been sending a few of my friends Bible verses through text messages. Now this is as much for me as it is for them (in fact, it is probably more for me than for them). This is all well and good, yeah? but what is the effective ends of this? Does it inspire the recipients to reflect on the passage and take time to think about the Word? Is it just one more wave in a sea of endless texts, one that is quickly forgotten/ignored as life goes on?<br /><br />Is there more I should be doing? Would it be effectual for me to do anything else? or would it also just be ignored? I don't know. Clearly. But I have been thinking lately about whether I am making a difference or not. I spoke with one of my Grad friends and she assured me that I was most certainly making a difference-although in a different manner than I was thinking. This was eye-opening for me! I had become so focused on the future and on certain aspects of my life, that I was absolutely neglecting other portions of who I am and what I do. It was nice to hear the affirmation, but even better to be reminded that I need to live here and now and not get bogged down by Satan's ploys.<br /><br />Really, it all comes down to my focus. If my focus is not on God, then how can I know the path He is calling me to follow? Sure, I can guess and grope around in the dark, but I've never really been the kind of person to go into something unprepared and lost. Why should my life be any different? I am tired of letting my emotions change as often as the time; though all the world desert me, still my God loves me.<br /><br />Later, gator<br /><br />David<br /><br />“What we do for ourselves dies with us. What we do for others and the world remains and is immortal.” -Albert PineDavid Bellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17081144001334946513noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6126979872774235365.post-34604417524872987172010-04-04T22:16:00.004-04:002010-04-04T22:54:17.587-04:00Reflections from Easter breakSo people have been asking about my blog lately-so I figured I could give you guys something.<br /><br />Have you ever just cared so much for the well-being of another person that you were willing to give up everything you had in order to better their life? I imagine parents feel this for their children (I say 'imagine' because not being a parent, I can't say for sure). I know this is how God feels for us.<br /><br />A lot of you will probably find this ridiculous, but I find myself caring far greater about other people and their welfare than my own. I always envisioned my death being a means of salvation for someone else in some form or other. I often look for ways to serve-lead by example; demonstrate my love through service.<br /><br />There are thousands of opportunities for us to live as examples. But we don't always take them-sometimes, we purposely avoid them. We want to be seen as cool, rather than be a good model. Sometimes, we convince ourselves if we can just get an in, then we can change them through those actions. And maybe we can-I don't know, I clearly don't hold all the answers despite what some may believe.<br /><br />Anyway, I have recently been thinking about taking some steps to help someone in need. Idk why I am writing this in the blog, I mean you don't know the person or the situation, but I guess it is comforting to know that I have spoken about it-it makes it more real to me. But it may not happen anyway, who knows? Regardless, this person will continue to be in my prayers and I ask that you guys keep me in your prayers concerning this.<br /><br />I know it's not much and it's kind of random/scattered, but it's my blog so get over it :-P<br /><br />Later, gator<br /><br />David<br /><br />"Greater love has no man than this, that he lay down his for his friends." John 15:13David Bellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17081144001334946513noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6126979872774235365.post-71787140062639191742010-03-05T22:37:00.002-05:002010-03-05T22:57:56.727-05:00Role ModelsWhy am I writing this blog? Mostly it is as a means of finding clarity within my thoughts. Also, it is a way of working through issues that I am dealing with, as well as those I see prevalent throughout my community. There again, I write so that you will read it and reflect on it; find some nugget hidden deep within it and find something of value (intrinsic or otherwise).<br /><br />As most of you know, I am an avid fan of Star Wars-probably not the biggest fan, but perhaps the biggest fan I know (Trey is probably up there, too). Well, I am reading a book from the series 'Legacy of the Force' and it brings up a great deal of questions for me. Right now, there is a thirteen year-old boy who has come face to face with death-he is responsible for killing two people, one armed and the other unarmed. He is also a Jedi, sworn to defend and promote peace-yet, he is being used to propagate war and destruction. All because he idolizes his older cousin, who is also a Jedi.<br /><br />Has this ever happened to you? Allowing yourself to fall deeper and deeper into an unsavory position all because of idolization of another individual? I know that I have gone down this road; I was young and impressionable and didn't want to lose the perceived connection I had with the person. For this reason (as well as others), I find that I am a huge advocate for mentors and positive role models for young adults. There are too many bad influences in today's society to simply ignore these formative years. Most of you know my strong commitment to discipleship and my desire to see good Christian examples stand up and help guide their younger peers.<br /><br />It is so easy to get lost in the glitz and glamour of the world and to ignore the less flashy life we lead. But don't give up on your example-even if you see no results, don't throw in the towel. You may be planting a seed that someone else will harvest; it may seem thankless at times, but remember those who receive accolades here on earth have have gotten their share.<br /><br />I would like to close with these two things: 1)I want to thank all of you who have taken the time to invest in someone else and to pour into their life when they needed an example like you; 2)I want to thank all those who have poured into my life and helped me to be the man I am today-flawed, though I be; fallible, though I be-God still uses me.<br /><br />DavidDavid Bellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17081144001334946513noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6126979872774235365.post-28781773840301676562010-02-26T10:37:00.003-05:002010-02-26T11:07:55.169-05:00Where, o death, is your sting? Where, o death, is your victory?I have experienced quite a lot of death in the past year(ish). It is definitely something I would rather not have to deal with, but as people always say, death is a part of life. So in this post I am going to walk through some of the pain that I have concerning death and losing loved ones. Hopefully, it will help.<br /><br />I lost two of my grandparents before I could really remember much-my mom's mom and my dad's dad. I never knew my maternal grandmother and all the memories I have of my paternal grandfather come from pictures. I recently found out this past Christmas that I was actually in England when my paternal grandfather died and I could have seen him before he died, but my aunts/uncles didn't want us to be there and get upset. I was really upset to hear that I could have been there in my grandfather's last moments, but I was kept away. I guess that is kind of the story of all of my family deaths.<br /><br />My maternal grandfather died when I was still young-maybe ten, I'm not really sure. He died in England, while my family was in Florida. I was young and asked whether it was mom's dad or dad's dad-I couldn't remember. Well, this upset my mom and my older brother snapped at me-that is probably the most vivid part of my memory of my maternal grandfather's death. I didn't go to the funeral service or memorial or anything-I had school and things to take care of in the states, but my mom went. I guess I am kind of curious now as to how it went, I wasn't then.<br /><br />Intermittent throughout the rest of my adolescence were deaths, but they were friends of my parents and it didn't really affect me. I was till under the impression that I was invincible and that death wasn't likely to happen to me.<br /><br />Perhaps the hardest death I have experienced happened last January. Last year was my first year in the School of Divinity and my very first class in Graduate School was New Testament I with Dr. Goodman. I had heard a lot of horror stories from students about difficult the class was going to be and ho hard I would have to work just to get even a B. The limited experience I had in encounters with Dr. Goodman, he just seemed to have an unbelievable presence and it was clear that this man knew what he was talking about; I was more than a little intimidated. So when I first walked into class, I spent the first class worried to death that I was going to fail the class or else say something stupid and be made a fool in front of this genius of a man. Well as the year went on, I was not so stressed about this class and I actually fell in love with Dr. Goodman’s teaching style and his overflowing wealth of knowledge. I never dreaded getting up at 7 on Monday mornings and I was always eager to hear what new mind-shattering information Dr. Goodman had to tell us that day. It was easily my favorite class that semester. In fact, I was upset when I heard that Dr. Goodman would be taking a sabbatical and would not be teaching in the Spring-I wanted to take as many classes as I could with this man! Almost everyday before class started, Dr. Goodman would read a selection from a sermon or piece written by Frederick Buechner and I couldn’t get enough of what this man had to say; sometimes I felt that he was speaking directly to me. For my birthday, a friend of mine bought me a collection of Buechner’s work as a daily devotional-it was amazing! And I was so excited to tell Dr. Goodman about it; however, my birthday was during exams and I never found time between studying for and taking exams and dealing with my residents in my building to go and talk to Dr. Goodman about it. No problem, I would catch one day when he came in next semester.<br /> The next semester started and life, as always was stressful at the beginning of the semester, so once again I did not have much free time. And then I received a phone call on January thirteenth from Meagan Allen asking if I had heard about Dr. Goodman. I said no and asked what happened. She told me that he had had a heart attack; I asked if he was ok. She said no, and that he had died. I just broke down.<br /> Granted I had not known Dr. Goodman as much as some of the other students and faculty, but in the small amount of time in which I knew him, he had had a huge impact on my life and I couldn’t believe he had died. I would never get another opportunity to tell him how much I loved his class or the fact that I was reading Buechner. Death was a foreign concept to me; I had lost grandparents, but I was too young to really remember their deaths. I went to class that day numb, not sure what to expect from the faculty or the students. When I got there, there wasn’t the usual bustle, instead everyone sat silently-not sure what to do. Dr. Canoy came in and gave some detail about how it happened and told us about a memorial service at 1 in the chapel. Then he told us we could leave and left himself. I didn’t know what to do; I was too stunned to just get up and leave. So I just sat in my seat and started crying. Claire Torrence was sitting beside me and offered me a tissue and we just sat there crying for I don’t know how long. Eventually I gathered myself enough to get up and walk back to my room; however, I knew I couldn’t sit in my room by myself, so I went to lunch in the cafeteria. Probably not the best idea, as I said before people can usually tell when something is wrong and so I spent my time in the cafeteria crying to my friends when they asked what was up. After lunch I went over to the chapel and found a seat next to a friend and once again started crying as people began sharing their stories about Dr. Goodman. I don’t think I have ever cried more in my life than I did that day. Death is not something I like to deal with, especially when it is premature.<br /> When I had gotten over the initial grief of Dr. Goodman’s death (which lasted a number of days), I shifted to anger. It is very difficult to find comfort in God when you are experiencing so much pain and hurt. I was angry at the fact that people didn’t care; that they lived their lives as if nothing had happened. I was angry that we were starting up classes again so quickly, without giving students and faculty time to collect themselves. I was angry with every Sunday School answer that people gave me about death and how Dr. Goodman was in a better place, or my favorite ‘God must have needed him more than we did’. But most of all I was angry at God; angry that he took someone who I really admired and sought to learn from, angry that he had taken him when he was still young leaving behind a wife and two growing boys. I was angry that God wouldn’t answer my questions that I continued to raise before Him. I was so angry that I stopped talking with God; if he wasn’t going to talk to me, why should I bother talking to Him? Not only that but if I did have a good day, I felt guilty because I felt like I should be constantly mourning the loss of Dr. Goodman. I felt like no one understood what I was going through and so I kept it all inside, showing outwardly that I was upset, but choosing not to reveal what was going on and my anger about Dr. Goodman’s death.<br /> Somehow I made it day by day (don’t ask me how, for the most part I don’t remember the specifics of those days) and managed to go on with life. However, I never let go of that anger and almost hatred that I held for God. Each week dragged by with friends constantly asking me how I was and me shrugging it off and saying I was just having a bad day and that everything would be ok. It wasn’t until Dr. Qualls asked to sit down and have lunch together that I realized how impossible it was for me to come to terms with this event if I didn’t turn to God. The more I ignored Him and went out of my way to be angry at Him, the less I would be able to heal and find comfort. After lunch, I decided it was time to talk to God again. I went to Dover Chapel and went into the prayer room just to the left as you enter. I grabbed a Bible and just opened it; it was one of those devotional bibles that have sections devoted to various topics. The page I opened to spoke about God answering if we seek after Him, referencing the verses in Matthew about knocking, etc. Well, I do not believe in coincidence, so I knew there was some importance to this, so I got on my knees and just began pouring out to God, asking my questions and seeking some comfort. Well, a few hours passed (it didn’t feel like I had been there that long) and even though I didn’t have the answers to my questions, I did have an overwhelming feeling of comfort-something I hadn’t felt in a very long time.<br /><br />Even as I write this now, I find tears coming to my eyes, every time I think about it, I can't help but feel the pain and sorrow that surrounded me during that time.<br /><br />Well, a few months down the road, my paternal grandmother was not doing well. She was dealing with broken bones that would never heal, as well as memory loss. She couldn't recognize her children or grandchildren. Once again, I was not able to visit her before she died in April. Not only that, but I was away from my family. I was torn apart. I broke down a lot during this time, especially to one particular friend (of whom I am greatly appreciative) and didn't want to be around people. However, I will say that if I had not experienced the death earlier in the year-I don't know how I would have handled it when my grandmother died. I did not get to go the funeral service, however, it was recorded on a tape and my family and I listened to it over the summer. It still hurts, but I refuse to fall into despair.<br /><br />Death hurts. Period. It is never easy to lose someone you love and be expected to go about things normally. My advice is to take the time to grieve; find someone you can cry to, scream to, pray with, take comfort from. But most importantly, don't turn from God-it doesn't remove the hurt and only furthers the feelings of isolation. "It is in those moments, my son, when I carried you."<br /><br />In memory of all the loved ones lost,<br /><br />DavidDavid Bellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17081144001334946513noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6126979872774235365.post-57641215624422221692010-02-23T16:23:00.003-05:002010-02-23T18:46:56.720-05:00When Peace like a river attendeth my way....Hey there blogging world! So it has recently come to my attention that apparently people talk about my blog-that is very strange for me. Really this is a means of me working through some stuff in my life and occasionally providing inspiration or to encourage thought. So when I see that people are genuinely interested in what I say, it kind of baffles me. So thanks for reading and I hope you know you can talk to me in person if you have any questions, etc.<br /><br />So I have found peace recently. If you have been reading my blog you know that I was going through some hurt here lately. Let me clear something up-there is no one particular person or incident which lead to that blog post. I was having a really bad night and needed to vent-and when those kinds of nights happen, I blog about it, get over it and find peace with God's help. So for those who were wondering, yes, I am doing much better and I am actually quite happy right now.<br /><br />No matter how much stuff I've got going on in my life, whenever I get the opportunity to work with youth, my life just seems to fall into place and those stresses seem to disappear. I don't know, helping/mentoring people is kind of a means of recharging for me and so I really enjoy it.<br /><br />Peace is not contingent on my surroundings or the people in my life, so there is no reason I should let them influence my own peace.<br /><br />Later, gator<br /><br />DavidDavid Bellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17081144001334946513noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6126979872774235365.post-63824784537648865082010-02-20T01:18:00.002-05:002010-02-20T01:47:46.582-05:00With Kind of a Heavy Heart...A while back, I wrote about encouragement and my desire to be an encouraging person. Well, while speaking with some people today, they referred to me as an encourager, saying that I have been encouraging them, etc. That was possibly the highlight of my day. Does that make me an egotistical person? Probably. But it meant so much to me to know that I am making an impact and affecting lives here on campus.<br /><br />There again, we are not called to seek earthly rewards and so I shouldn't seek after those kinds of recognition. I don't know. I am fairly insecure and so I kind of desire those words of affirmation. So yeah it was nice to hear.<br /><br />I am hurting. A lot. Like a lot, a lot. I am hurting from a change in my life; I am hurting for the problems that others are facing; I am hurting because I don't see people anymore. I am crying out in pain-to no one. The people who I wish would listen either don't understand or don't care. They are so focused on themselves that they can't hear what I am going through. They expect me to be able to listen to them (without fully addressing the real issue(s)) and give advice/guidance on a situation I don't fully comprehend-nor do I think they are willing to heed my advice (not that they necessarily should). I am hurt that people say that can come to me, yet when they need to talk about something-it seems they go to everyone but me. Even people they don't really know-seeking counsel there and completely blowing me off. I am hurt by the duplicity that I seen so rampant on this campus and on this Earth.<br /><br />I am hurt by the changes I see taking place. I am full of hurt. That hurt is not going anywhere because the people who can help me, won't; and the people who want to help, can't. There is one other person I know I could rely on for support and help, but that person is so overloaded right now, there is no way (s)he would be able to help.<br /><br />I was told today that I don't have a lot on my plate and can't understand why other people who do have a lot can't make time. Maybe they were right, but I know what it is like to be overloaded and yet I was still able to make time for those friends who needed me. So don't tell me you don't have time-if something/someone is important to you, you will make time.<br /><br />Life sucks,<br /><br />DavidDavid Bellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17081144001334946513noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6126979872774235365.post-60688890196406657802010-02-18T21:09:00.002-05:002010-02-18T21:13:16.464-05:00I'll be there for you, when the rain starts to fall. I'll be there for you, like I been there before.I came to a depressing realization the other day. I imagine you are probably curious what that realization was (well, even if you aren't I'm gonna expound on it anyway-feel free to stop reading if you don't care to know). I was walking along the quad and thinking about friendships and former students of GWU, yada yada. Well, as I thinking about this, I was like, "Man, I wish friendships were like they were on TV. The friends of 'Friends' were great friends for all those years," That's when the realization hit me-"but even after ten years those friends went their separate ways and started lives apart from one another."<br /><br />Even the sparkling Hollywood version of friendship comes to an end, what hope is there for us average Americans? I don't know. As most of you know I am sort of a 'friendship junkie', I need my fix of people if I am to make it through. My absolute biggest fear is to be alone and have no friends.<br /><br />"Don't worry, David, you're never alone if you have Jesus!" Well, thanks. That makes it all better. But seriously, I am so glad that Jesus is a part of my life and I know that in times of sadness and loneliness I can turn to Him, but I like to have other people here on Earth with whom I can talk.<br /><br />But I guess the silver lining is, that just because friends leave, it doesn't mean they have to depart from your life. Case in point, my friend Spaz. I haven't seen her in like 4 years, but we still have conversations and talk (not nearly as much as we should, or I would like).<br /><br />So I guess friendships don't have to end, as long as you are willing to put forth the effort to keep the friendship alive.<br /><br />Later, gator<br /><br />David<br /><br />p.s. I didn't realize how many people on campus are fans of 'Kingdom Hearts'. Go figureDavid Bellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17081144001334946513noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6126979872774235365.post-36975548538038640912010-02-09T22:05:00.004-05:002010-02-09T22:52:01.262-05:00Life in the Mushroom KingdomYou must be Mario, cause you just got 1up'd. It is a cute phrase which refers back to the Super Mario Bros. video game franchise and the times in which you're character would get an extra life. But that's the ultimate goal of life, right? To assert your opinions/views/achievements as better than someone else's and to essentially one-up them.<br /><br />Life is a competition-you either win or lose, there are no ties. How does one win this game, you ask? Why, by belittling others and positioning yourself at the forefront- "unless you're the lead dog, the view never changes." In order to validate ourselves, we need to push others underneath us(perhaps even 'under the bus') and use them as stepping stones to prominence.<br /><br />Well, I wish it didn't have to be like that. I am kind of a polar opposite when it comes to competitive spirit-at some times, I am competitive beyond reason and at other points I couldn't care less whether I win or lose. "But competition is good, it helps us separate the wheat from the chaff."-Really? I guess that's true, especially if you view people as chaff. If you view certain people as less important, than it is only natural that you would want them to be tossed aside.<br /><br />This is a prevalent factor in church. Different denominations who don't get along; churches of the same denomination who argue and bicker because one uses NIV while the other uses NASB. Congregations fighting over 'new recruits' in order to insure that there sanctuary is more full than the church next door.<br /><br />It's also in our daily lives. Friends tearing down another in order to demonstrate their excellence in that particular facet of life. Classmates ragging on you because you scored lower than they did on a test. Parents constantly comparing their children to one another and to themselves. Coworkers flaunting their achievements in front of your boss and painstakingly detailing your own shortcomings.<br /><br />Does any of this sound familiar? If not, count yourself blessed. If yes, count yourself blessed. Blessed that you have endured and come through that time with who you are still intact. If you are currently in that time and the darkness seems too great; please don't give up-I know it sucks and it hurts. I know that everyday you feel beaten and bruised-like your next step could be your last. It isn't fair. I know. I'm sorry. Really all I can say to you is to echo what Chris Rice wrote in one of his songs: <blockquote></blockquote>"Sometimes the way is lonely and steep and filled with pain; so if your sky is dark and pours the rain-then cry to Jesus, cry to Jesus, cry to Jesus and live."<blockquote></blockquote><br /><br />You're right, I must be Mario. But, honestly, I'm ok with that. For now.<br /><br />Psalm 43:5 -"Why are you in despair, O my soul? And why are you disturbed within me? Hope in God, for I shall again praise Him, the help of my countenance and my God."David Bellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17081144001334946513noreply@blogger.com0